Energy

In science class we learned about different forms of energy and about how energy is transferred from one object to another. Through life I learned about emotional energy and how it's transferred, it has the same properties of kinetic and potential but the effects vary on the person it is affecting. Emotional energy is very powerful and can illicit unpredictable responses especially when the energy is at its peak. This post is going to be less about  how this is transferred and more about my experience of transferred emotional energy.

For the sake of simplicity I'm going to talk about the two extremes, positive and negative. While I was pursuing my degree in college I had a few good roommates and a couple of roommates I didn't necessarily vibe with. Actually let me revise the last statement I had a few great roommates, friggen awesome ones who are going to do great things with their lives. Anyway at this point you may be thinking "What's your point? We've all had shitty roommates, what makes you think you'd be an exception to this." My answer to you is I didn't think I would, slow ya role. What I want you to think about is the circumstances surrounding your crappy roommates, how they affected you and even the time that they were placed in your life because everything happens for a reason.

During the four years of my college career I went from one roommate, to three roommates, to one roommate to two roommates. Dynamics are important at least in my opinion in regards to introspection. The first year I had a an awesome roommate, with whom I got along very well with throughout the school year. Second year two out of three good roommates but after the third one stopped being my roommate we became friends. Third year great roommate, fourth same great roommate with additional not so great roommate. Each of them had different effects on my psyche and there were things that I gained from each. Examples would be my first roommate was very positive, hard working and spent most of his time in our dorm studying. Next year I was placed with him again along with a roommate that taught me that if you just work hard and don't set aside time for fun you'll go crazy. Third roommate was almost a hybrid of the first two roommates he was a hard worker who regimented his time from day to night balancing the multitude of extracurricular activities he has under his belt with his classes but he always took the time aside to have fun and whoop his friends in fighting games. When it comes to the grand scheme of things these were great people to be around and from living with them, I learned a fair amount and I know the individuals I am speaking of have success in their future.

Now on to the negative and what I learned from the negative, because focusing on the negative and not taking away any knowledge inhibits growth. Things happen for a reason; the good, the bad and the ugly. The third roommate lived life at a different pace than other college students and was a fairly wise individual. There was a generational discord between me, my other roommates and him. Again after we stopped being roommates, we were able to understand our differences and get along well. The last roommate to put it bluntly I had a extreme disdain for his being. Timing is everything and on a very basic level I had just quit smoking cigarettes so my temperature was very volatile at the time. But also his traits were in a direct conflict with mine, he was studying business and I would say his persona as well as his persuasive abilities made that almost the perfect thing for him. I quickly learned that he was a two faced individual and as one who prefers honest, upfront people as well. But he was who he was and I am who I am. I wish him well and I hope that he's working towards obtaining his goals whatever they are.

During that time I was living with those individuals I did not have the outlook I have now. Especially with the last roommate, I did not like him at all and all honestly I kinda wanted to fight him and in retrospect that wasn't good. I let someone disrupt my own personal peace and I knew on many aspects he would do things just to spite me. More than likely I did the same thing. But the lesson was there, I had mostly good roommates up into that point and I was supposed to learn that I will not always live in favorable conditions.I will not always be surrounded by the positive and in those instances I have to be stronger than I was before. As I work to reach my personal and professional goals I have to keep that in mind because again I am not in favorable conditions. Sometimes as people we like to dwell in the positive and avoid the negative and in those instances when the negative comes about it can consume you. The point where I had the worst roommate, I ended up being the most productive artistically. I spent most of my free time in the studio painting, at most times until 3 am in the school's studio space. I have to do the same thing right now to get out of the unfavorable circumstances I am in right now.


work in progress

Battles

It's amazing how much of music can influence someone. It has been proven to affect moods and I see it affect people's lifestyle everyday. But this particular blog post is not about music and it's affects on people, go look up some psychological research for that. I was cooking earlier and I was thinking about a particular song and the lyrics to a particular song. That song is Angel by DMX and this particular song always sends me in a contemplative state and for the sake of adding perspective I will post the lyrics below before I continue with my point.

"I'm callin out to you Lord, because I need your help
See once again I'm havin difficulty savin myself
behavin myself, you told me what to do, and I do it
But every and now and then, gets a little harder to go through it
Losin friends, day by day
I'm in so much pain when I'm here Lord, please take me away
I put you here to do a job, and your work ain't done
To live is to suffer, but you're still my son
And there will be a time when you shine as bright as the stars
But there won't be a, his or hers, just ours
Then you'll see what I've been tryin to show you, all these years
Do the right thing; cause after the tears, come the cheers
I will, my Lord, with my heart, and my soul
That's gonna be how I roll, from now until I'm old
Lead and I'll follow, you take away the sorrow
I'ma sleep on what you said and holla back tomorrow
I want you to know Lord, that for what you've given me I'm thankful
Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful
You gave us power in our words, so I think before I speak
And that way when I speak, they know I'm here to teach
Can't tell em nothin wrong, cause I love em too much
I reach a lot of people, and Lord, I'm lovin the touch
But deep inside, I've got somethin that's workin against
everything I know is right, what I know makes sense
That's when you must fight harder, than you've ever fought before
cause what you've got goin on inside you is a war
between good and evil, be careful of those who wanna be you
They smile, but are not really happy when they see you
Be careful of the ones that always wanna get you high
Cause when the time comes, that one'll let you die
Listen to me! I'm here, but I can only help you
if you want me to help, what do you want for yourself?  "

So here are two verses that speak to me the most and have for years. I've quoted this song on numerous occasions to illustrate points. Mainly the part where X says "I put you here to do a job and your work ain't done to live is to suffer, but you're still my son." That part made me really contemplate my position when going through difficult times and often times contributed to me having the strength to move on. The part I don't quote about the internal war and fighting harder is something I consider often as well. Recently I updated my artist statement and I discuss the burden of the hero. Often times we are faced with internal battles that we often times want to verbalize but feel as though there may not be others who understand. However, as disconnected and as isolated as we feel, there are others out there who feel just as isolated for similar reasons. I've always been a fan of heroes who act alone and have to fight harder than other heroes such as Spawn and Wolverine. Both of them have to battle emotions, thoughts and memories as well as their opponents. The reason being is that I often have similar battles as well.

 

Often times many people say they like Wolverine because he is a badass, ignoring the multiple dimensions of this amazing character. On the most basic level he is a mutant with an incredible healing ability that causes him to recover from any mortal wound as well as age incredibly slow. As we delve deeper this is a man with several lifetimes of memories; joy,love, pain and tragedy. He was a soldier that was experimented on and had adamantium bonded with his skeleton a rare metal that is virtually indestructible. During this process his memories were fragmented as well as altered to make him a more controllable weapon. He managed to escape and since he escaped he had to work through his memories to find one thing he would really enjoy having, inner peace. Many of us are searching for the same thing as well as pure happiness. We have to remember things happen for a reason and learn from everything that happens to us good and bad. It's hard to not get consumed by our negative thoughts and I can tell you there are times where my doubts won out. It's a never ending struggle, but as long as you don't give in there's always hope to win.

I'm back

Let me preface this with a happy new year. I'm not really much into the whole new years thing being as though I never find myself doing anything interesting. The only exception being this year when I was down in my little makeshift art studio painting and creating something I was proud to call my own. As the year came to an end I did a bit of reflection. Some people end the year saying forget last year, and 2012 wasn't a fantastic year for me, however in all honesty it could have been way worse.

I started 2012 with a nice little part time job that slowly started to turn to a crappy part time job that I ended up losing. I accumulated studio lighting equipment, a blue screen and a green screen however it wasn't the best year for me in terms of video production and that also kind of became linked to the job I ultimately lost. I made a few paintings but mentally nothing will ever top the time I quit smoking cigarettes and pushed out 15 paintings in 3 months. It wasn't a good year for relationships either. But with all that said it was a pretty good year because I learned a lot, got to do a bit of traveling towards the end of the year, met some very cool individuals and during my time away I got to do a fair bit of self reflection. Unfortunately during my travels my laptop went kaput and I bought a affordable netbook from Best Buy or as I now like to refer to it Better than Worst Buy. Within 2 months of owning this laptop, my screen cracked which kinda sucked because it happened on my birthday. After all of that I finally returned home and my PS3 had the Yellow Light of Death. It totally wasn't a good year for my electronics, but possessions are fleeting and you can't really revel in all of that and let it dictate your mood.

Despite all the stuff that did happen to me, I did manage to have fun and when you start stressing, that's a very important thing to do. I was able to sit down and think about what to do from this point forward and there honestly wasn't anything else to do but pick myself up and move on. Start working to my goals and turn my potential to actuality. It hasn't been easy, but nothing worthwhile is usually easy. Even though I was renewed and invigorated from my travels and had this urge to work towards my goals, once I returned home it was like I had to fight with myself to keep that motivation and at first it seemed to fade. It wasn't really until I met up and had lunch with one of my old college professors and mentors that I came to a point of actualization. Sometimes we think we have something beat within ourselves and it plays possum to make us believe it. Then when we try to move forward it springs back up and attacks us. It then becomes an internal battle and sometimes in battle nobody's the winner.

Back to this blog, I fell off with entries around June of last year and it seemed to me like I was fighting with myself to keep up these entries. This was mainly due to the fact that I didn't have a general direction for this blog and I wanted to avoid it becoming a redundant thing like just posting about my artwork on here. I developed several ideas for this blog but when my laptop went under a couple of those ideas went out the window. As a result I didn't post anything which is worse than me posting a bad entry or even a redundant entry. I recently read a chapter in a book that I'm borrowing about how artists rationalize things and ultimately it can inhibit growth and creativity. In many ways I was letting external things inhibit my creativity whether they directly affected me or not. That's not a good way to be and ultimately I am attempting to move forward from that. I personally don't believe in New Years resolutions so I never set them but this year I have quite a few goals and I have to keep an eye on them to make sure that they happen. This blog is a sort of verbalization of that and yes there will be more to come this year.