2017: A reflection

Sitting here at the end of 2017 thinking about making a Facebook post but as I started to write it I thought it would be more appropriate as a post on here. Starting this page in 2011 I kind of had the perception that this would be an easy page to manage and that I had a bunch of ideas in my head that were just waiting to be unleashed. I only found that to be partially true, while I have been creating paintings and sketching out ideas it hasn't been at the rate I anticipated or even at times I found acceptable. Being realistic I think creativity and inspiration are closely tied together and I do think they exist in finite amounts. When running low on inspiration it's kind of like a rechargeable battery running low on power and there is a need to re-ignite the current inspiration or find new inspiration to move forward. Unlike a battery running low, how and when to recharge that inspiration is not always consistent. Maybe a landscape or a particular area was inspiration at one point and after making one or more pieces based on it but at some point there is a need to move on.

Another factor into my lack of posting is self consciousness. I've started many posts and stopped them because I felt they were too personal or too negative. Posting about negative isn't bad in and of itself it's more about how the negative is framed and often times I took a step back and read some of these posts and I never wanted to frame any writing pieces as if I were a victim of circumstance or in any way that I felt would illicit pity or could be perceived as me attempting to illicit pity. So when drafting these posts out, I would re-read them and if the tone got too dark I would stop writing and leave it as a draft so if I ever came back and could reframe it I would. I also really wanted to avoid making excuses for not posting consistently and when I wrote posts if it sounded that way I would stop.

Looking back at that I don't regret that approach perception becomes reality and honestly I haven't been in a good place when it comes to writing. Artistically I do think that while I wasn't creating consistently enough by my standard the fact that I was creating was very important and the fact that I never let that aspect completely go away is something worth pointing out as well. The standards I put on myself may have been unrealistic and they were standards created by me which caused stress that I could have done without. Which in turn made blog posts harder to create causing me to create more stress on myself and so on. Ultimately this experience is making me more prone to try to keep myself in check because there are external things beyond personal control that do add stress and there are things that are exaggerated in the mind that cause stress. It's not a simple process but as humans we live, learn and develop ways that help us navigate this world.

Moving forward I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing and that's ok. There are some things that I'm looking to research in 2018 that I hope will help me develop artistically and there are things that I stopped working on or didn't complete in 2017 that I can finish in 2018. Realistically I do think that this particular page may be dead. But I also may occasionally post on here, I may not. All I can do as an individual is take things one day at a time. Ideally I would love to have all of the creative energy I can muster and run a blog, youtube page, website, store and help others tap into their muses. But I'm not going to do all that in a day, a month or maybe even a year. Things happen and sometimes we need to learn from those things to make our shit better. See you in 2018

Rumble Roses Part 2 Retrospective Commentarry

1 year later: Moving forward, reflection, understanding

I skimmed my last post on depression and have thought about, started and stopped making posts since that last post on February 5th. I always ended up stopping because I didn't like the tone of the posts I was making. They weren't inherently negative, however I think there was a feeling to acknowledge the fact that I haven't posted since that time which brought me into a negative mindset and changed the tone of what I was writing. Often times I get the idea to start a post about something during which time I was in no position to sit down and write or even jot down my idea in a notebook to try and table it for another time. Then when I the ability to sit down I get the urge to address the fact that I haven't posted and then I lose what I was originally going to post. The ultimate lesson from that is that it's better to move on than continue to harp on an issue because that impedes progress. I am ultimately my harshest critic but each day I realize that the harshest criticisms that I put on myself aren't even my words originally. Over the years I have internalized negative comments said against me and those comments became voices and those voices became thoughts. In a way I felt like Inui Takumi from Kamen Rider Faiz as depicted below.

Everyday is a chance to learn about the things around you including yourself. Often times we can get overburdened with things coming at us from all directions that we forget what our thoughts were and what others opinions are. When a person feels like they have never been supported or brought up in a way that a foundation for self confidence can be really shaky. It's process but if you're able to step back and identify those artificial things in yourself they can be destroyed, at least that's what I think. Well it's 2016 and after a month of putting this off I finally got this done. I'm going to try to go back to making regular posts but if I don't understand that I'm rebuilding a foundation. It may not be instantaneous but I'll still try to keep this updated.

On Depression

Hi everyone, it's been a long time on this blog. Things have happened in life the time I spent away from here I spent some time actually working on the wordpress blog I created before I decided to do the whole blogger thing. Today I will talk about something I started and stopped writing about many times in the past few months suicide. I first had this idea around the time Robin Williams decided to end his life and at the time part of me wasn't ready to write it out and the other part wasn't trying to be the bandwagoner. Sometimes I resist things for that reason alone, but mentally I was caught up in a negative state of mind that brought the whole tone of the post down every attempt to create it.

The abridged version - I first thought about taking my own life when I was 8 years old. I felt different, I didn't understand why my guardians were the way they were. I couldn't understand why my mom wasn't alive and I most certainly couldn't understand where my father was in this whole picture. I fought a lot, got punished a lot and ultimately was a miserable child behind closed doors. I kept it to myself, never really talked to anyone about it. There were attempts but could never really go through with it and luckily was never caught.

Fast forward about 8 years later, I was in an inpatient rehabilitation facility because of an interesting year in high school. 5 months in I get an exit interview with a therapist I never met with before that day and didn't see any day after. I remember thinking dude was obnoxious, he had a gold Rolex watch and almost every finger had a gold ring on it. He asked me random questions about school and life, the conversation was probably no longer than 20 minutes maybe even less than 10. He concluded our interaction by telling me that I had a mild form of depression, nothing to medicate me over and nothing to pursue really. In my mind he was like "You're depressed! Good luck nigga!" and sent me on my way. I told a few people at the facility what he said all of which I have not interacted with since that time, but I kept it to myself. Didn't tell family or friends outside of that.

In 2012 I hit a wall, the depression was bad I thought more and more about my mortality and questioned my being as well as my existence. I had random bits of depression here and there before but this was bad. I felt alone and I wanted to die then I found out that one of my friends from college felt the same way but took it one step further and blew his brains out. Which devastated his fiance and in a way shook me out of my own thoughts because his fiance was also my friend and I wanted to be supportive. I made a silent vow to fight harder against those thoughts.

Admittedly I've never called a suicide hotline and for the most part when depression hit me I took the time to work through it myself. I can't say I've got it down because it still comes around, but each day is a new fight. Honestly I kinda figured out why when I was talking to a good friend over tea and pancakes. We were talking and she mentioned this magical human that she encountered during a time of need. One of the things she highlighted was this magical human did not ask her "what's wrong" or say anything that immediately sounded negative. That resonated so hard because there were times where I was fighting in my mind where others do ask that question and I ultimately shut them out because I may have been troubled but if I knew what was wrong I probably wouldn't be in the state I was. Tone changes everything, try to be kind not sound condescending especially if you think you are trying to be helpful. Getting over it is also one of the things that if said someone with depression won't go to you and speak with you again about anything of substance if they decide to continue speaking with you. Imagine every thought you have attacking you and reaching up to get your hand cut off, that's what a harsh tone can feel like when someone is going through depression. Crap I can't end it like this.... ummmmm....... Ha cha cha cha cha!!!! Try to focus on something positive instead of having them delve into something that is troubling them. We don't want to feel like a burden.

My encounter with a hero

Pre-read warning: I tried to not be mushy and sentimental but I failed. So this post is almost completely mushy.
 On July 11, 2014 I had the unique opportunity to meet one of my childhood heroes, the original Red Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When I initially heard about the event I was like “this is awesome” and I couldn’t wait for the event to occur. It really wasn’t until the event when I was standing in front of Austin St. John a.k.a Jason that I realized how huge something like this was to me. Anyone who knows me knows that on a long enough timeline knows that I will blabber on and on about Power Rangers. Ever since I was a kid I have to the point where I think people were just like “we get it stfu already.” I didn’t shut up and there were collective ugh’s and sighs whenever I brought up the topic. I didn’t care and looking back I realize that I shouldn’t have cared.
     Mighty Morphin Power Rangers hit television sets on August 28th 1993 and if I told you I remember exactly where I was when that show debuted that’d be a lie. During that time my miniature oversized self was going through a lot. My childhood home had burned down forcing my family to live in a homeless shelter for awhile. During which my mom became very ill and had to be hospitalized which in turn cause me and my older sister to live with our grandmother. Eventually my mother passed on to the next world subsequently making me a motherless and fatherless child.
     Despite all this I was completely and utterly enthralled with this group of teenagers from different backgrounds who were summoned together because they had “attitude” and when they were in trouble they would reach behind their backs and pull out belt buckles hold them out and scream the name of an animal from the age of dinosaurs. Doing this would put them in a costume composed of tightly fitting spandex and really cool motorcycle helmets. They would fight for awhile, get beat down, strategize and finally defeat the enemy. Then the lady who called for the monster’s creation would throw her wand down from the moon to the earth, the ground would open up causing smoke to come out causing the recently defeated monster to grow to epic proportions. This was no problem for these spandex clad heroes because they would put their hands up to the sky, once again calling the name of their animals causing giant mechanized versions of them to appear. They would fight the giant monster separately with their beasts but that seldom worked so they would combine their animals to create a giant humanoid robot to combat this giant monster terrorizing the city.
     Say what you want about this series or the concept I described, but to kids across the United States and around the world this was EPIC!! We all wanted to be Power Rangers and this caught on so well that we are 21 years removed from that original season and Power Rangers is still going strong. The children around the world like me grew up and still collect the action figures, some grew up to remake things like the morphers or weapons used in the show and some even grew up and donned the spandex of their favorite rangers to attend conventions and get opportunities to meet other former cast members.
     I still love Power Rangers and even got into the Japanese source series titled Super Sentai. When I was a child I wanted to be a power ranger so badly, not for the spandex suits or the giant robots. As a child who recently lost his home and eventually his mother I wanted the power to bring her back. I look back at this and I know the show never said anything about resurrecting the dead, however that show gave me and millions of others hope. My hope at the time may have been unrealistic and looking back it most certainly was however if I had the opportunity I would still be a power ranger. There were episodes where the odds were most definitely stacked against the Power Rangers and in those insurmountable odds there was an air of hoplessness. However they were very resilient and continued to fight even when their odds of victory were slim. When they put their passion behind it and that theme song came on fans new that it was about to get real. It was that “never give up” attitude that inspired millions around the world. Not only that when they weren’t transformed in spandex they were generally good people. They did what they could to make their community better even without super powers. This is why if I ever had the chance to be a Power Ranger I would jump at the opportunity as would countless others.
     My meeting with Austin St. John went somewhat like this. I walked up to him and shook his hand and he asked me how I was feeling. I wanted to be cool and collected in this moment, but I really couldn’t. The moment was almost surreal “This is heavy…” I responded. Austin immediately questioned my statement and I followed up with “20 years ago I used to rush home after school to watch you on TV and now I’m standing here shaking your hand.” He was cool, just smiled and said “You’re just saying this to make my ass feel old.” I was able to take a picture with him as I was holding my custom painted toy morpher and our interaction was over. The event went on, I got to chat with some cool fans of Power Rangers and Austin continued to shake hands, give out autographs and give special moments to others. The brevity of my moment is insignificant, the weight of the moment is. I couldn’t properly articulate it in the moment and it took me the rest of the day to thoroughly process what happened.
 This is what I have to say to Mr. St. John, he may never read this but it is what I have to say: Thank you for being an inspiration, not only to me and other children my age but an entire generation. Some of whom are passing the hope and inspiration on to their children so they can grow to be better people. Currently my hope is that I can do something along the lines of what you did and become a beacon of hope to others as well. I’m not entirely sure yet how, but hopefully I will figure it out soon. Keep being as awesome and as down to Earth as you were in our brief interaction and continue being Morphenomenal.
Sincerely, A lifetime fan
 

Pokemon is confused

I have to say I love Pokemon not only because the show, the card game and the game boy game was like a huge part of my childhood but the games continued to be good adventures that had me fully engulfed in the world. With that being said it seems that the world of Pokemon just doesn't know what to do with itself. Immediately I'm going to ignore the fact that this is a universe where people apparently stop aging at 10 until they become adults because it seems to be a common gripe. Ash will completely skip his teenage and young adult years if they ever decide to age him so fans will probably be pissed regardless. My main gripe with the series is that it just doesn't know what to do with itself. I haven't watched the show in years so the only thing I know about that is that Ash goes to new regions captures weak Pokemon, releases or just doesn't use his stronger bunch from other regions with the exception of Pikachu which is probably at level 500 by now. I have recently caught up on some of the movies though and I've noticed that each movie seems to give more ownership of the universe to Pokemon. It goes from a clone Pokemon and mew to Pokemon that have control over time and space and apparently a Pokemon that literally created the entire universe. This in itself isn't the confusing part about Pokemon, it's when you play Platinum and go to the Library and read the books. There is a book that says that Pokemon and humans were at one point indistinguishable from each other and lived together. This is where my confusion begins. This is also where I begin to wonder about this fictional history. At some point in that history there had to be some sort of Human uprising and if they were similar at one point what happened? I like the idea of expansion and development in a universe, however if your idea of expanding a universe is to make your history that convoluted I may not be with it. I can't be completely not with it because of the fact I am curious about the history and how it all ties together. Was there a human uprising against Pokemon, do the video game, movie and show worlds need to be kept in separate universes(Yes). I feel like early on in the Pokemon series they hinted at there being over hundreds of Pokemon so I don't think that the addition of new Pokemon is a bad thing. What I do think is a bad thing is when there's a Pokemon that is made out of a gear, a Pokemon that's a sword, and a Pokemon that looks like an ice cream cone. Like it went from hey we're discovering new creatures to hey I just found a random object, it might be a Pokemon! Should the Pokemon creators get their shit together? Totally not my call on that, they are doing what they're doing. They been rolling out games for awhile and they are doing well. I do think that as Pokemon expands they should also expand their games *Coughs*putitonaconsole*Coughs* but that's really up to Nintendo and Game freak.

Hey

"25 years and my life is still trying to climb up this great big hill of hope for a destination, I realized quickly as I knew I should that life was made up of this brotherhood of man or whatever that means, and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out what's in my head" No real logical reason to start it off like that but I am. I've been away from this blog for awhile and I actually moved a bit away from creating for awhile. Most of my time away from this blog I haven't really contemplated topics for these, this post in particular ended up getting redone about three times before today. The driving force behind this being inactive was my literal interpretation of making a blog about artwork. Unfortunately life circumstances get in the way and most of the projects I wanted to work on got put on halt as I tried to take the helm and navigate this storm. Moving forward, I'm going to link this more to hobbies as well as main projects. I have a few topics that I want to cover both related to what I do as an artist and one of my primary hobbies which is gaming. There will be other topics that will be mixed in. Currently I'm working on a couple of paintings related to the college I attended in different ways but are developing to be intertwined. I will update on these at a later time. This is a quick update. Will post a new new blog next week.

I talk about Super Sentai

As a kid I loved Power Rangers. In all actuality I don't believe I ever stopped loving power rangers it always had a special nostalgic place in my heart. I remember watching Mighty Morphin, Zeo, skipping turbo (I don't think my young brain could handle that crap season) and the last one I watched as a kid was In Space which had a fairly well done plot when it comes to Power Rangers seasons. As I grew older I would catch an old episode of MMPR here and there and I really didn't watch much of the other seasons because in my eyes and probably in the eyes of others that was the best season because of the nostalgic place it holds. Prior to the age where the internet was easily accessible to so many people, we had no way of knowing that Power Rangers was derived from this show in Japan called Super Sentai and especially no means of watching it over here. A couple years ago I was able to watch my first season of Super Sentai which was called Dairanger. Dairanger was where Mighty Morphin Power Rangers got their thunder zords and the white ranger from. When I watched Dairanger I saw elements of this show that were not transposed into the American adaptation of the series. One of the things in particular was a plot and sub plots that you could follow and get invested in as opposed to the I'm the bad guy here's a monster out of an arbitrary object. I'm not bashing power rangers in any way but as I progressed through the series I became more invested in what was unfolding. Another thing was with Power Rangers we get these guys dressed as monsters smashing up these towns, however in the Japanese counterpart you see the buildings crumbling and the citizens fleeing and one or two people trapped under rubble. Small touches but they add context and go a long way in gaining the interest of an older viewer. After finishing the season I kinda felt cheated from the product that we got stateside. After watching that season I went on to watch a season called Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger which happened to be their 35th anniversary season and I was absolutely amazed. The plot begins with a threat facing the earth which requires the 34 previous Super Sentai to gather and fight off. The aftermath of this is that in the fight all of them lose their powers and they are scattered throughout the galaxy. A space pirate gathers most of the keys through his ventures he amasses a crew. Their destination is Earth where they are told the greatest treasure in the universe lies. Concurrently, the evil forces that fought the previous 34 sentai have returned to take over the planet Earth as they have taken over and destroyed most of the planets in the galaxy. The forces attack and initially the pirates have no interest in protecting the planet or its people. Through their search for treasure they learn elements of humanity that give them insight on why both the planet and the people inhabiting it are worth protecting. I was amazed that they made the protagonist antiheroes because it was not something I was used to seeing in Power Rangers. It took the black and white of good guys vs. bad guys and added in a grey area. This season also features a plethora of cameo appearances of former Super Sentai members who initially are not ok with the new Super Sentai being Pirates and having their old powers. After they are around them long enough they realize that the pirates are actually genuine and trustworthy enough to hold on to their powers so that the crew can reach their goal. As they progressed towards their goal they ran into a sixth ranger and one of my favorite characters from the show. The sixth ranger is a super sentai fanboy who gains his powers risking his life to save someone. His knowledge of Super Sentai history becomes useful to the pirates and he eventually joins their cause and aids the crew to their ultimate goal. What makes him my favorite character beside him being a fanboy of super sentai is how his presence helps the crew gain further insight into humanity as well as his growth in understanding what it is to be a hero. There are several key points in the series in which he learns that not only is it the powers that make the hero but the will to fight and make a difference. Now that I have the summary out the way this season was so amazing. I mean it was the ultimate fan service season that provided a history into super sentai and it didn't use the formula that the good guys always win in the half hour slot. There are a few episodes that start in the middle of zord fights which helps add depth to the show and helps the viewer understand that there is more to their fight than what is shown in the time slot of their show. There are also episodes in which they lose showing their tenacity to fight to accomplish their dreams. There are also very well implemented subplots. So why have I spent this entire blog giving a synopsis of the two super sentai seasons I watched? Honestly because I felt like it. It's not directly related to my work but I am in a stage of rebuilding on many aspects. The series amazed me, enthralled me and inspired me. It avoided being super campy as opposed to the adaptation for audiences outside of Japan. (It was still campy but what can you expect from spandex and motorsycle helmets?) Gokaiger ended in 2012 and I still get hyped when I hear the theme song. So as an artist all I have to say is go out there, find your inspiration and follow your dreams.

Cracked Lemonade

Personally I don't know the circumstances that make me more inclined to write or be creative. It can just be boiled down to sometimes I'm inspired to write, draw, or whatever I feel like doing and sometimes I don't. As I continue to develop more work I sometimes look back on other things I write or draw. I recently read this piece I wrote around 2008 about the concept of cracked lemonade. Honestly cracked lemonade began as the name of my Myspace account. It was honestly two words I placed together to make the URL of my account. It developed over that span of time into what I would subsequently name my YouTube account to give identity to my videos. It's funny how over the years people ask what it means and why I chose that combination of words. Well here's an untitled piece of writing by yours truly from 2008 about cracked lemonade.

Who am I?
I am Cracked Lemonade.
I'm the glass of lemonade that sits
on the counter and nobody drinks.
As a result I become less favorable
as time goes on. Flies land in me,
mold grows in me. I'm fucked up.
There is no saving grace.
There is no person who says
"This shit's vile!" and pours
me out and fills the glass with
fresh lemonade. I just sit there.
I am Cracked Lemonade.
I've seen shit, I've been through
shit that other glasses haven't.
I am poison but at the same time
I'm not poisonous to myself.
I'm just a glass that is waiting
to be poured out.
But here's the question,
when will I be poured out?
I see no purpose in being a discolored
glass of lemonade sitting on the
counter everyday waiting for that
one person to see into the glass and realize
how disgusting I am inside so they can
finally just pour me out. I may be liquid
but I can feel. I feel that I am no longer
yellow or any color close to lemonade.
I feel the insects and other things swimming
within my being. I feel the mold growing
and the glass breaking. I feel everything.
As I sit here, this glass of lemonade
sees other glasses surrounding him.
I see the lemonade actually made
from lemons. I see the lemonade made
from concentrate and unnatural sugars.
I also see the other glasses can't tell the
difference. This glass of lemonade also
sees that as cracked lemonade he serves
no purpose. Because even though
cracked lemonade sees all the other
flavors he cannot fully understand his
own flavor. Was he artificially sweetened
or naturally flavored? Before his flavor was
tainted did he taste good? Would his
original flavor quench thirst?
As cracked lemonade he will never know.
So as cracked lemonade I sit in my glass waiting
to be poured out.

Copyright © 2008 Dane Bard All rights reserved

Now tense issues aside, this was interesting to re-read. Overall it's good to see how my attitude has changed. Being cracked lemonade isn't easy and somebody has to do it. Sometimes you look back at things and realize that things aren't as bad as you perceived them and that there are other tainted lemonades out there, some are even poisonous to themselves. Being Cracked Lemonade isn't as bad as I made it out to be back then, it's just something I have to live and grow with. Maybe one day I will turn from lemonade to a uniquely flavored wine or something like that. To go out on a Bruce Willis quote "Smile you fuck!"(The Last Boyscout)

Developing Series

I haven't really talked that much about my work lately. The original intention of this blog was to add supplementary information about my paintings and other work, but that concept led to me not being as consistent with this blog. Sometimes so many ideas float around and never come to fruition because negative thoughts beat out certain ideas to make the thinker perceive the thought as a bad idea. Also when it comes to me this year started out on a good note but things went from good to bad to worse in a short period of time. My posts on this blog were a reflection on that and was a way to get ideas out of my head. In the long run it's a good thing because it allowed me to keep my blog up to date. It's March and I am almost tied with the amount of posts I made here in 2012 and 2011. It's good to have the ability to transfer energy into something productive.

This particular post is about a series I unintentionally developed. It can be perceived in my art that I tend to draw or paint caricatures of myself often. It's actually one of the things I'm asked when I show a particular sketch to someone. Usually when I do character studies I tend to want  to base them off of someone, even if I never intend on painting that subject. If I like how a study comes out, I tend to plan to put it on canvas. Since I almost never have another person as a character study, I utilize myself. Over the past few years I have completed three paintings on wood using the profile view and the colors black, yellow and orange. The last piece of this series was completed New Years day and is the first painting in the series. After I developed this I was able to chronologically order and the order in which they were created are actually opposite of the order of the paintings.



The above picture is the most recent and it illustrates this subject moving away from his source of being. The ties are being broken and it seems that he is searching for something and not looking back to his source of being at the moment. In the chronology of these pieces it was developed last but comes first since the subject seems to be severing ties with something similar to itself.



The next piece depicts the same subject shedding a large tear, going into a head and face that is not together for lack of a better word coming out of the bottom. This particular piece was created in the middle and subsequently takes place in between the first and the third painting.It represents loneliness and the distorted face represents the abandoned idea that the subject will find what he is looking for.



The last piece was the first one painted and shows the subject surrounded by darkness looking up at the only other thing similar to himself if the sky. He is away from his source of being and enraged because he feels abandoned and alone.

Earlier this year I did revisions to my artist statement and through my research I learned that orange is a color that can be used to represent spirituality. This was not something I knew through my initial development of these paintings. By no means is this particular series complete as I see the subject going through more trials and hopefully he will find what he is searching for.

Thoughts

Sometimes we compare certain events to past events and we can say on a superficial level that event a was better than event b due to these particular factors. If I compared the beginning of this year to the beginning of last year I could say similar things. 2013 started out with its ups and then some downs. The downs took more of a toll than the ups, but that can be expected positivity is easier to swallow than negativity. Negativity is easier to wallow in and get sucked into.
This year I came in with a plan and I worked hard to get the things I needed to get those things done. Obstructions came my way and they were overcome only for bigger obstructions to appear, but that's how it works right? I reached a huge obstacle that not only shook the foundation I was standing on but created enough fissures for me to fall through the ground and land extremely hard. There were moments I wanted to give up but there was always someone there to talk some sense into me and I'm grateful for that. Not many people have that support system. I am a believer that difficulties are a test to see how you will stick with something and sometimes it will seem hopeless but if it's something that you are passionate about you will stick with it and reap the rewards. I spoke with an artist during the opening ceremony of an exhibition at my alma mater and he told me that everybody has a story of how they succeeded or failed in whatever they attempted to accomplish.
I grew up in an abusive household, both physically and verbally. Many times I was verbally berated to the point where I began to question my own self worth. It's difficult to understand these things as a child and when you are young and it happens often enough you begin to accept it as your reality. You don't question certain things without an outside perspective present to give you reason to question. It wasn't until I spent time away and started being productive and receiving praises for things I did right instead of ridicule for things I did wrong did I begin to slightly question things. Even in that instance I wasn't fully able to understand the full spectrum.
The last paragraph was not an attempt to get sympathy. There are many others who suffer similar fates and much worse. Who don't get a glimpse of the positive and in a way are forced to focus on the negative. Sometimes it makes it harder to move forward when you're looking back too often. The point is that as individuals we have to learn how to let go and focus on moving forward. For some individuals forward momentum is easier to gain due to a good support system, for others rationalization becomes a crutch. Our fears sometimes shroud our better judgements and we begin to make certain things fact without them actually being fact.
We all have obstacles to overcome, you can't really understand someone else's without knowing their story and even then you may not be able to understand.

Everybody dies

This is a post I originally started in 2012 around the time the series finale of House aired on fox. There are many reasons why this didn't get completed and there are probably other bloggers out there who have the same issue with certain posts that never end up seeing the light of day.

I cannot say that I am a huge House fan due to the fact that there are a ton of episodes and seasons I have missed due to the fact that I am not a huge television watcher. I gave the whole HULU thing a go and I just had very little motivation to go to that site regularly. However this last season of House had me absolutely hooked and I think I only missed one episode (forgot to set the DVR) of this last season. I watched the series Finale aired titled "Everybody Dies" and I have to say it was fucking brilliant. The episode began with Dr. House waking up on the floor of some random warehouse not that far from another man who he discovers is dead and at this moment a deceased member of his medical staff appears in front of him. The apparition tells him that the guy is dead and points out that the warehouse is on fire and that he should head for the door. What makes it even more interesting is that House doesn't try to make an exit instead he instead starts talking to the apparition who through the course of the episode we discover is a manifestation of his self conscience trying to reason with him to stay alive. Well I'm not an excellent explainer of things so it may not sound as epic as it was, but in my opinion it was for various reasons.

The first reason I would give is the fact that it was a very intense episode that dealt with the main character of the series looking for a reason to live. Throughout the season things began to unravel for House and it brought him to the point where he sought oblivion. It was a great climax and House went out like the genius he was. I won't give too many spoilers because people get all whiney about that type of stuff. I do have to say that House's final moment in the warehouse was almost poetic in a sense. The timing, the whole inner dialogue being made external for the audience, it worked.

The second reason is that as a viewer I could relate to the main character's plight. Honestly sometimes it all seems pointless, hopeless, depressing or whatever other word you can think of. There are external elements that we have to combat against every day. Depression is a beast and there are times where we can easily be sucked in and succumb to negative thoughts. Originally in this post I started complaining about my situation at the time and that honestly was the stopping point of the post because I started to get a bit personal. Honestly there was multiple things going on at the time that made me consider my own oblivion much like House contemplated his. External forces become internal after you hear them enough times. When you are surrounded by a negative force it's harder to fight against those forces. Most times we are put in those situations and removing ourselves from them may not be an option or may not even be a simple option.

Between the time that this blog was originally developed and now I was on and off with a battle of my own that I had to trudge through. Things were put in perspective for me during the summer however when a friend of mine took his life. We're all battling our own battles, most times we feel isolated because there are moments when we feel as though we need someone and they aren't there. It's a selfish thought because those folk are out there fighting their own battles as well. We have to look within ourselves and look to a higher power to find the true strength to carry on. When all seems hopeless as long as you stay patient and keep believing, anything is possible. It can't rain forever.

Looking back to look forward

I was actually planning to write a blog earlier but things happened and in many ways I was put in a creative slump for a couple weeks. Things like that happen just like things beyond our control work to take us off our path and make us submit and accept failure. Along with this blog, I have older posts from Myspace days and some other entries. Occasionally I like to look back on these posts, read them and see if I still agree with what I had to say around that time period. I'm not entirely too sure how I'm going to do these posts yet or how frequently I will do these type of posts. This is more or less the tester post.

Life: September 1, 2007

What is it to live? Why do people regret the things they do with their lives? Why do successful people regret more than people without riches? Explanations are needed for these questions. Do you have an answer? Are you honestly happy with yourself? Are you happy with the decisions you made in your life? Would you go back and change the past? Do you believe that you have led the life you wanted to live so far? Are you living for anyone else?

The answers to these questions aren't simple. But there are answers, people who do not accept these answers are only harming themselves. Introspection is the key. Look at yourself before anything. Know who you are and achieve happiness through yourself.

End...

To be honest I don't remember the context under which I wrote this post being that it was in 2007. I know I was a couple of weeks into college, but honestly idk if that holds any relevance either to the point of which I began this questioning. I still believe what I was saying in this blog post and to be honest I'm still working on these questions. Recently I have been faced with a situation of whether I will live my own life or live my life for someone else. Following your own dreams isn't easy but anything worth while isn't easy. I believe that once we go through our individual struggles we can look back at our hardships, laugh and say "Hey I looked fear in the eyes and kicked its ass." There are moments where we want to give up of course, but if we quit at something we're passionate about who are we cheating but ourselves?