Sitting here at the end of 2017 thinking about making a Facebook post but as I started to write it I thought it would be more appropriate as a post on here. Starting this page in 2011 I kind of had the perception that this would be an easy page to manage and that I had a bunch of ideas in my head that were just waiting to be unleashed. I only found that to be partially true, while I have been creating paintings and sketching out ideas it hasn't been at the rate I anticipated or even at times I found acceptable. Being realistic I think creativity and inspiration are closely tied together and I do think they exist in finite amounts. When running low on inspiration it's kind of like a rechargeable battery running low on power and there is a need to re-ignite the current inspiration or find new inspiration to move forward. Unlike a battery running low, how and when to recharge that inspiration is not always consistent. Maybe a landscape or a particular area was inspiration at one point and after making one or more pieces based on it but at some point there is a need to move on.
Another factor into my lack of posting is self consciousness. I've started many posts and stopped them because I felt they were too personal or too negative. Posting about negative isn't bad in and of itself it's more about how the negative is framed and often times I took a step back and read some of these posts and I never wanted to frame any writing pieces as if I were a victim of circumstance or in any way that I felt would illicit pity or could be perceived as me attempting to illicit pity. So when drafting these posts out, I would re-read them and if the tone got too dark I would stop writing and leave it as a draft so if I ever came back and could reframe it I would. I also really wanted to avoid making excuses for not posting consistently and when I wrote posts if it sounded that way I would stop.
Looking back at that I don't regret that approach perception becomes reality and honestly I haven't been in a good place when it comes to writing. Artistically I do think that while I wasn't creating consistently enough by my standard the fact that I was creating was very important and the fact that I never let that aspect completely go away is something worth pointing out as well. The standards I put on myself may have been unrealistic and they were standards created by me which caused stress that I could have done without. Which in turn made blog posts harder to create causing me to create more stress on myself and so on. Ultimately this experience is making me more prone to try to keep myself in check because there are external things beyond personal control that do add stress and there are things that are exaggerated in the mind that cause stress. It's not a simple process but as humans we live, learn and develop ways that help us navigate this world.
Moving forward I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing and that's ok. There are some things that I'm looking to research in 2018 that I hope will help me develop artistically and there are things that I stopped working on or didn't complete in 2017 that I can finish in 2018. Realistically I do think that this particular page may be dead. But I also may occasionally post on here, I may not. All I can do as an individual is take things one day at a time. Ideally I would love to have all of the creative energy I can muster and run a blog, youtube page, website, store and help others tap into their muses. But I'm not going to do all that in a day, a month or maybe even a year. Things happen and sometimes we need to learn from those things to make our shit better. See you in 2018
Friday, December 29, 2017
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
1 year later: Moving forward, reflection, understanding
I skimmed my last post on depression and have thought about, started and stopped making posts since that last post on February 5th. I always ended up stopping because I didn't like the tone of the posts I was making. They weren't inherently negative, however I think there was a feeling to acknowledge the fact that I haven't posted since that time which brought me into a negative mindset and changed the tone of what I was writing. Often times I get the idea to start a post about something during which time I was in no position to sit down and write or even jot down my idea in a notebook to try and table it for another time. Then when I the ability to sit down I get the urge to address the fact that I haven't posted and then I lose what I was originally going to post. The ultimate lesson from that is that it's better to move on than continue to harp on an issue because that impedes progress. I am ultimately my harshest critic but each day I realize that the harshest criticisms that I put on myself aren't even my words originally. Over the years I have internalized negative comments said against me and those comments became voices and those voices became thoughts. In a way I felt like Inui Takumi from Kamen Rider Faiz as depicted below.
Everyday is a chance to learn about the things around you including yourself. Often times we can get overburdened with things coming at us from all directions that we forget what our thoughts were and what others opinions are. When a person feels like they have never been supported or brought up in a way that a foundation for self confidence can be really shaky. It's process but if you're able to step back and identify those artificial things in yourself they can be destroyed, at least that's what I think. Well it's 2016 and after a month of putting this off I finally got this done. I'm going to try to go back to making regular posts but if I don't understand that I'm rebuilding a foundation. It may not be instantaneous but I'll still try to keep this updated.
Everyday is a chance to learn about the things around you including yourself. Often times we can get overburdened with things coming at us from all directions that we forget what our thoughts were and what others opinions are. When a person feels like they have never been supported or brought up in a way that a foundation for self confidence can be really shaky. It's process but if you're able to step back and identify those artificial things in yourself they can be destroyed, at least that's what I think. Well it's 2016 and after a month of putting this off I finally got this done. I'm going to try to go back to making regular posts but if I don't understand that I'm rebuilding a foundation. It may not be instantaneous but I'll still try to keep this updated.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
On Depression
Hi everyone, it's been a long time on this blog. Things have happened in life the time I spent away from here I spent some time actually working on the wordpress blog I created before I decided to do the whole blogger thing. Today I will talk about something I started and stopped writing about many times in the past few months suicide. I first had this idea around the time Robin Williams decided to end his life and at the time part of me wasn't ready to write it out and the other part wasn't trying to be the bandwagoner. Sometimes I resist things for that reason alone, but mentally I was caught up in a negative state of mind that brought the whole tone of the post down every attempt to create it.
The abridged version - I first thought about taking my own life when I was 8 years old. I felt different, I didn't understand why my guardians were the way they were. I couldn't understand why my mom wasn't alive and I most certainly couldn't understand where my father was in this whole picture. I fought a lot, got punished a lot and ultimately was a miserable child behind closed doors. I kept it to myself, never really talked to anyone about it. There were attempts but could never really go through with it and luckily was never caught.
Fast forward about 8 years later, I was in an inpatient rehabilitation facility because of an interesting year in high school. 5 months in I get an exit interview with a therapist I never met with before that day and didn't see any day after. I remember thinking dude was obnoxious, he had a gold Rolex watch and almost every finger had a gold ring on it. He asked me random questions about school and life, the conversation was probably no longer than 20 minutes maybe even less than 10. He concluded our interaction by telling me that I had a mild form of depression, nothing to medicate me over and nothing to pursue really. In my mind he was like "You're depressed! Good luck nigga!" and sent me on my way. I told a few people at the facility what he said all of which I have not interacted with since that time, but I kept it to myself. Didn't tell family or friends outside of that.
In 2012 I hit a wall, the depression was bad I thought more and more about my mortality and questioned my being as well as my existence. I had random bits of depression here and there before but this was bad. I felt alone and I wanted to die then I found out that one of my friends from college felt the same way but took it one step further and blew his brains out. Which devastated his fiance and in a way shook me out of my own thoughts because his fiance was also my friend and I wanted to be supportive. I made a silent vow to fight harder against those thoughts.
Admittedly I've never called a suicide hotline and for the most part when depression hit me I took the time to work through it myself. I can't say I've got it down because it still comes around, but each day is a new fight. Honestly I kinda figured out why when I was talking to a good friend over tea and pancakes. We were talking and she mentioned this magical human that she encountered during a time of need. One of the things she highlighted was this magical human did not ask her "what's wrong" or say anything that immediately sounded negative. That resonated so hard because there were times where I was fighting in my mind where others do ask that question and I ultimately shut them out because I may have been troubled but if I knew what was wrong I probably wouldn't be in the state I was. Tone changes everything, try to be kind not sound condescending especially if you think you are trying to be helpful. Getting over it is also one of the things that if said someone with depression won't go to you and speak with you again about anything of substance if they decide to continue speaking with you. Imagine every thought you have attacking you and reaching up to get your hand cut off, that's what a harsh tone can feel like when someone is going through depression. Crap I can't end it like this.... ummmmm....... Ha cha cha cha cha!!!! Try to focus on something positive instead of having them delve into something that is troubling them. We don't want to feel like a burden.
The abridged version - I first thought about taking my own life when I was 8 years old. I felt different, I didn't understand why my guardians were the way they were. I couldn't understand why my mom wasn't alive and I most certainly couldn't understand where my father was in this whole picture. I fought a lot, got punished a lot and ultimately was a miserable child behind closed doors. I kept it to myself, never really talked to anyone about it. There were attempts but could never really go through with it and luckily was never caught.
Fast forward about 8 years later, I was in an inpatient rehabilitation facility because of an interesting year in high school. 5 months in I get an exit interview with a therapist I never met with before that day and didn't see any day after. I remember thinking dude was obnoxious, he had a gold Rolex watch and almost every finger had a gold ring on it. He asked me random questions about school and life, the conversation was probably no longer than 20 minutes maybe even less than 10. He concluded our interaction by telling me that I had a mild form of depression, nothing to medicate me over and nothing to pursue really. In my mind he was like "You're depressed! Good luck nigga!" and sent me on my way. I told a few people at the facility what he said all of which I have not interacted with since that time, but I kept it to myself. Didn't tell family or friends outside of that.
In 2012 I hit a wall, the depression was bad I thought more and more about my mortality and questioned my being as well as my existence. I had random bits of depression here and there before but this was bad. I felt alone and I wanted to die then I found out that one of my friends from college felt the same way but took it one step further and blew his brains out. Which devastated his fiance and in a way shook me out of my own thoughts because his fiance was also my friend and I wanted to be supportive. I made a silent vow to fight harder against those thoughts.
Admittedly I've never called a suicide hotline and for the most part when depression hit me I took the time to work through it myself. I can't say I've got it down because it still comes around, but each day is a new fight. Honestly I kinda figured out why when I was talking to a good friend over tea and pancakes. We were talking and she mentioned this magical human that she encountered during a time of need. One of the things she highlighted was this magical human did not ask her "what's wrong" or say anything that immediately sounded negative. That resonated so hard because there were times where I was fighting in my mind where others do ask that question and I ultimately shut them out because I may have been troubled but if I knew what was wrong I probably wouldn't be in the state I was. Tone changes everything, try to be kind not sound condescending especially if you think you are trying to be helpful. Getting over it is also one of the things that if said someone with depression won't go to you and speak with you again about anything of substance if they decide to continue speaking with you. Imagine every thought you have attacking you and reaching up to get your hand cut off, that's what a harsh tone can feel like when someone is going through depression. Crap I can't end it like this.... ummmmm....... Ha cha cha cha cha!!!! Try to focus on something positive instead of having them delve into something that is troubling them. We don't want to feel like a burden.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
My encounter with a hero
Pre-read warning: I tried to not be mushy and sentimental but I failed. So this post is almost completely mushy.
On July 11, 2014 I had the unique opportunity to meet one of my childhood heroes, the original Red Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When I initially heard about the event I was like “this is awesome” and I couldn’t wait for the event to occur. It really wasn’t until the event when I was standing in front of Austin St. John a.k.a Jason that I realized how huge something like this was to me. Anyone who knows me knows that on a long enough timeline knows that I will blabber on and on about Power Rangers. Ever since I was a kid I have to the point where I think people were just like “we get it stfu already.” I didn’t shut up and there were collective ugh’s and sighs whenever I brought up the topic. I didn’t care and looking back I realize that I shouldn’t have cared.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers hit television sets on August 28th 1993 and if I told you I remember exactly where I was when that show debuted that’d be a lie. During that time my miniature oversized self was going through a lot. My childhood home had burned down forcing my family to live in a homeless shelter for awhile. During which my mom became very ill and had to be hospitalized which in turn cause me and my older sister to live with our grandmother. Eventually my mother passed on to the next world subsequently making me a motherless and fatherless child.
Despite all this I was completely and utterly enthralled with this group of teenagers from different backgrounds who were summoned together because they had “attitude” and when they were in trouble they would reach behind their backs and pull out belt buckles hold them out and scream the name of an animal from the age of dinosaurs. Doing this would put them in a costume composed of tightly fitting spandex and really cool motorcycle helmets. They would fight for awhile, get beat down, strategize and finally defeat the enemy. Then the lady who called for the monster’s creation would throw her wand down from the moon to the earth, the ground would open up causing smoke to come out causing the recently defeated monster to grow to epic proportions. This was no problem for these spandex clad heroes because they would put their hands up to the sky, once again calling the name of their animals causing giant mechanized versions of them to appear. They would fight the giant monster separately with their beasts but that seldom worked so they would combine their animals to create a giant humanoid robot to combat this giant monster terrorizing the city.
Say what you want about this series or the concept I described, but to kids across the United States and around the world this was EPIC!! We all wanted to be Power Rangers and this caught on so well that we are 21 years removed from that original season and Power Rangers is still going strong. The children around the world like me grew up and still collect the action figures, some grew up to remake things like the morphers or weapons used in the show and some even grew up and donned the spandex of their favorite rangers to attend conventions and get opportunities to meet other former cast members.
I still love Power Rangers and even got into the Japanese source series titled Super Sentai. When I was a child I wanted to be a power ranger so badly, not for the spandex suits or the giant robots. As a child who recently lost his home and eventually his mother I wanted the power to bring her back. I look back at this and I know the show never said anything about resurrecting the dead, however that show gave me and millions of others hope. My hope at the time may have been unrealistic and looking back it most certainly was however if I had the opportunity I would still be a power ranger. There were episodes where the odds were most definitely stacked against the Power Rangers and in those insurmountable odds there was an air of hoplessness. However they were very resilient and continued to fight even when their odds of victory were slim. When they put their passion behind it and that theme song came on fans new that it was about to get real. It was that “never give up” attitude that inspired millions around the world. Not only that when they weren’t transformed in spandex they were generally good people. They did what they could to make their community better even without super powers. This is why if I ever had the chance to be a Power Ranger I would jump at the opportunity as would countless others.
My meeting with Austin St. John went somewhat like this. I walked up to him and shook his hand and he asked me how I was feeling. I wanted to be cool and collected in this moment, but I really couldn’t. The moment was almost surreal “This is heavy…” I responded. Austin immediately questioned my statement and I followed up with “20 years ago I used to rush home after school to watch you on TV and now I’m standing here shaking your hand.” He was cool, just smiled and said “You’re just saying this to make my ass feel old.” I was able to take a picture with him as I was holding my custom painted toy morpher and our interaction was over. The event went on, I got to chat with some cool fans of Power Rangers and Austin continued to shake hands, give out autographs and give special moments to others. The brevity of my moment is insignificant, the weight of the moment is. I couldn’t properly articulate it in the moment and it took me the rest of the day to thoroughly process what happened.
This is what I have to say to Mr. St. John, he may never read this but it is what I have to say: Thank you for being an inspiration, not only to me and other children my age but an entire generation. Some of whom are passing the hope and inspiration on to their children so they can grow to be better people. Currently my hope is that I can do something along the lines of what you did and become a beacon of hope to others as well. I’m not entirely sure yet how, but hopefully I will figure it out soon. Keep being as awesome and as down to Earth as you were in our brief interaction and continue being Morphenomenal.
Sincerely, A lifetime fan
On July 11, 2014 I had the unique opportunity to meet one of my childhood heroes, the original Red Ranger from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When I initially heard about the event I was like “this is awesome” and I couldn’t wait for the event to occur. It really wasn’t until the event when I was standing in front of Austin St. John a.k.a Jason that I realized how huge something like this was to me. Anyone who knows me knows that on a long enough timeline knows that I will blabber on and on about Power Rangers. Ever since I was a kid I have to the point where I think people were just like “we get it stfu already.” I didn’t shut up and there were collective ugh’s and sighs whenever I brought up the topic. I didn’t care and looking back I realize that I shouldn’t have cared.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers hit television sets on August 28th 1993 and if I told you I remember exactly where I was when that show debuted that’d be a lie. During that time my miniature oversized self was going through a lot. My childhood home had burned down forcing my family to live in a homeless shelter for awhile. During which my mom became very ill and had to be hospitalized which in turn cause me and my older sister to live with our grandmother. Eventually my mother passed on to the next world subsequently making me a motherless and fatherless child.
Despite all this I was completely and utterly enthralled with this group of teenagers from different backgrounds who were summoned together because they had “attitude” and when they were in trouble they would reach behind their backs and pull out belt buckles hold them out and scream the name of an animal from the age of dinosaurs. Doing this would put them in a costume composed of tightly fitting spandex and really cool motorcycle helmets. They would fight for awhile, get beat down, strategize and finally defeat the enemy. Then the lady who called for the monster’s creation would throw her wand down from the moon to the earth, the ground would open up causing smoke to come out causing the recently defeated monster to grow to epic proportions. This was no problem for these spandex clad heroes because they would put their hands up to the sky, once again calling the name of their animals causing giant mechanized versions of them to appear. They would fight the giant monster separately with their beasts but that seldom worked so they would combine their animals to create a giant humanoid robot to combat this giant monster terrorizing the city.
Say what you want about this series or the concept I described, but to kids across the United States and around the world this was EPIC!! We all wanted to be Power Rangers and this caught on so well that we are 21 years removed from that original season and Power Rangers is still going strong. The children around the world like me grew up and still collect the action figures, some grew up to remake things like the morphers or weapons used in the show and some even grew up and donned the spandex of their favorite rangers to attend conventions and get opportunities to meet other former cast members.
I still love Power Rangers and even got into the Japanese source series titled Super Sentai. When I was a child I wanted to be a power ranger so badly, not for the spandex suits or the giant robots. As a child who recently lost his home and eventually his mother I wanted the power to bring her back. I look back at this and I know the show never said anything about resurrecting the dead, however that show gave me and millions of others hope. My hope at the time may have been unrealistic and looking back it most certainly was however if I had the opportunity I would still be a power ranger. There were episodes where the odds were most definitely stacked against the Power Rangers and in those insurmountable odds there was an air of hoplessness. However they were very resilient and continued to fight even when their odds of victory were slim. When they put their passion behind it and that theme song came on fans new that it was about to get real. It was that “never give up” attitude that inspired millions around the world. Not only that when they weren’t transformed in spandex they were generally good people. They did what they could to make their community better even without super powers. This is why if I ever had the chance to be a Power Ranger I would jump at the opportunity as would countless others.
My meeting with Austin St. John went somewhat like this. I walked up to him and shook his hand and he asked me how I was feeling. I wanted to be cool and collected in this moment, but I really couldn’t. The moment was almost surreal “This is heavy…” I responded. Austin immediately questioned my statement and I followed up with “20 years ago I used to rush home after school to watch you on TV and now I’m standing here shaking your hand.” He was cool, just smiled and said “You’re just saying this to make my ass feel old.” I was able to take a picture with him as I was holding my custom painted toy morpher and our interaction was over. The event went on, I got to chat with some cool fans of Power Rangers and Austin continued to shake hands, give out autographs and give special moments to others. The brevity of my moment is insignificant, the weight of the moment is. I couldn’t properly articulate it in the moment and it took me the rest of the day to thoroughly process what happened.
This is what I have to say to Mr. St. John, he may never read this but it is what I have to say: Thank you for being an inspiration, not only to me and other children my age but an entire generation. Some of whom are passing the hope and inspiration on to their children so they can grow to be better people. Currently my hope is that I can do something along the lines of what you did and become a beacon of hope to others as well. I’m not entirely sure yet how, but hopefully I will figure it out soon. Keep being as awesome and as down to Earth as you were in our brief interaction and continue being Morphenomenal.
Sincerely, A lifetime fan
Friday, May 16, 2014
Pokemon is confused
I have to say I love Pokemon not only because the show, the card game and the game boy game was like a huge part of my childhood but the games continued to be good adventures that had me fully engulfed in the world. With that being said it seems that the world of Pokemon just doesn't know what to do with itself. Immediately I'm going to ignore the fact that this is a universe where people apparently stop aging at 10 until they become adults because it seems to be a common gripe. Ash will completely skip his teenage and young adult years if they ever decide to age him so fans will probably be pissed regardless. My main gripe with the series is that it just doesn't know what to do with itself.
I haven't watched the show in years so the only thing I know about that is that Ash goes to new regions captures weak Pokemon, releases or just doesn't use his stronger bunch from other regions with the exception of Pikachu which is probably at level 500 by now. I have recently caught up on some of the movies though and I've noticed that each movie seems to give more ownership of the universe to Pokemon. It goes from a clone Pokemon and mew to Pokemon that have control over time and space and apparently a Pokemon that literally created the entire universe. This in itself isn't the confusing part about Pokemon, it's when you play Platinum and go to the Library and read the books. There is a book that says that Pokemon and humans were at one point indistinguishable from each other and lived together. This is where my confusion begins. This is also where I begin to wonder about this fictional history. At some point in that history there had to be some sort of Human uprising and if they were similar at one point what happened?
I like the idea of expansion and development in a universe, however if your idea of expanding a universe is to make your history that convoluted I may not be with it. I can't be completely not with it because of the fact I am curious about the history and how it all ties together. Was there a human uprising against Pokemon, do the video game, movie and show worlds need to be kept in separate universes(Yes). I feel like early on in the Pokemon series they hinted at there being over hundreds of Pokemon so I don't think that the addition of new Pokemon is a bad thing. What I do think is a bad thing is when there's a Pokemon that is made out of a gear, a Pokemon that's a sword, and a Pokemon that looks like an ice cream cone. Like it went from hey we're discovering new creatures to hey I just found a random object, it might be a Pokemon! Should the Pokemon creators get their shit together? Totally not my call on that, they are doing what they're doing. They been rolling out games for awhile and they are doing well. I do think that as Pokemon expands they should also expand their games *Coughs*putitonaconsole*Coughs* but that's really up to Nintendo and Game freak.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Hey
"25 years and my life is still trying to climb up this great big hill of hope for a destination, I realized quickly as I knew I should that life was made up of this brotherhood of man or whatever that means, and so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed just to get it all out what's in my head" No real logical reason to start it off like that but I am. I've been away from this blog for awhile and I actually moved a bit away from creating for awhile. Most of my time away from this blog I haven't really contemplated topics for these, this post in particular ended up getting redone about three times before today. The driving force behind this being inactive was my literal interpretation of making a blog about artwork. Unfortunately life circumstances get in the way and most of the projects I wanted to work on got put on halt as I tried to take the helm and navigate this storm. Moving forward, I'm going to link this more to hobbies as well as main projects. I have a few topics that I want to cover both related to what I do as an artist and one of my primary hobbies which is gaming. There will be other topics that will be mixed in.
Currently I'm working on a couple of paintings related to the college I attended in different ways but are developing to be intertwined. I will update on these at a later time. This is a quick update. Will post a new new blog next week.
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