Hi everyone, it's been a long time on this blog. Things have happened in life the time I spent away from here I spent some time actually working on the wordpress blog I created before I decided to do the whole blogger thing. Today I will talk about something I started and stopped writing about many times in the past few months suicide. I first had this idea around the time Robin Williams decided to end his life and at the time part of me wasn't ready to write it out and the other part wasn't trying to be the bandwagoner. Sometimes I resist things for that reason alone, but mentally I was caught up in a negative state of mind that brought the whole tone of the post down every attempt to create it.
The abridged version - I first thought about taking my own life when I was 8 years old. I felt different, I didn't understand why my guardians were the way they were. I couldn't understand why my mom wasn't alive and I most certainly couldn't understand where my father was in this whole picture. I fought a lot, got punished a lot and ultimately was a miserable child behind closed doors. I kept it to myself, never really talked to anyone about it. There were attempts but could never really go through with it and luckily was never caught.
Fast forward about 8 years later, I was in an inpatient rehabilitation facility because of an interesting year in high school. 5 months in I get an exit interview with a therapist I never met with before that day and didn't see any day after. I remember thinking dude was obnoxious, he had a gold Rolex watch and almost every finger had a gold ring on it. He asked me random questions about school and life, the conversation was probably no longer than 20 minutes maybe even less than 10. He concluded our interaction by telling me that I had a mild form of depression, nothing to medicate me over and nothing to pursue really. In my mind he was like "You're depressed! Good luck nigga!" and sent me on my way. I told a few people at the facility what he said all of which I have not interacted with since that time, but I kept it to myself. Didn't tell family or friends outside of that.
In 2012 I hit a wall, the depression was bad I thought more and more about my mortality and questioned my being as well as my existence. I had random bits of depression here and there before but this was bad. I felt alone and I wanted to die then I found out that one of my friends from college felt the same way but took it one step further and blew his brains out. Which devastated his fiance and in a way shook me out of my own thoughts because his fiance was also my friend and I wanted to be supportive. I made a silent vow to fight harder against those thoughts.
Admittedly I've never called a suicide hotline and for the most part when depression hit me I took the time to work through it myself. I can't say I've got it down because it still comes around, but each day is a new fight. Honestly I kinda figured out why when I was talking to a good friend over tea and pancakes. We were talking and she mentioned this magical human that she encountered during a time of need. One of the things she highlighted was this magical human did not ask her "what's wrong" or say anything that immediately sounded negative. That resonated so hard because there were times where I was fighting in my mind where others do ask that question and I ultimately shut them out because I may have been troubled but if I knew what was wrong I probably wouldn't be in the state I was. Tone changes everything, try to be kind not sound condescending especially if you think you are trying to be helpful. Getting over it is also one of the things that if said someone with depression won't go to you and speak with you again about anything of substance if they decide to continue speaking with you. Imagine every thought you have attacking you and reaching up to get your hand cut off, that's what a harsh tone can feel like when someone is going through depression. Crap I can't end it like this.... ummmmm....... Ha cha cha cha cha!!!! Try to focus on something positive instead of having them delve into something that is troubling them. We don't want to feel like a burden.
